Great Conversation Isn’t What You Say

Most people don’t struggle with conversation because they have nothing to say.

They struggle because we're all chronically on our phones but more importantly they’re too focused on saying the right thing.

So most people wait for little cues.
They calculate. They calibrate.
They scan for something impressive, clever, or perfectly timed.
Something that makes it feel like the shows & movies that are imbedded into our language of love.

And in that pause… the moment is gone before they know it..

And it's not any specific moment or the "right time" It's the moment of genuine connection between two souls.

I used to do this alot and I got so damn good at it until I realized that I started to fake my responses and genuineness in conversations... at that point said what the hell I'm I even doing...

But here's what I learned that changed everything:

Good conversation is all about attention.

Not half-attention where you are polite nodding and give the fake eyebrow raise while you rehearse your next line.

Real attention.

Most people can't even hold conversation so it goes like this:

They’re listening just enough to respond.
They'll share a story to match your story and somehow that would make you feel understood.

like Jessica I get that you lost your dog when you were nine but that's not the same as losing a grandparent...

But okay how do you have attention or create attention or give attention?

First you're not trying to win the moment, your counterpart guy or girl isn't going to get on their knees because you said something funny mind convo... (some people would but not all)

It works like this:

Beautiful Soulful Alexis says: “I just got back from a trip to Italy with my family :).”

Most people respond one of four ways:

They one-up it — “Oh yeah, I went last year.”
They ask it - "Oh where did you go?" (Italy dumba**)
They flatten it — “Nice, that’s cool.”
Or they redirect it — “I’ve been wanting to travel more.”

None of those are wrong by the way but if you wanted to kill more conversations than a scarecrow this is how you do it.

Here's how to fix this:

Instead of leaving the moment of whatever is being said to you, you go deeper into it.

This is where conversation branches & pattern matching Helps.

Think of every subject someone says as a tree.

At the top is the main point or subject matter and inside it, there are multiple branches you can follow:

• The attraction (“Did you fall in love with it?”)

• The experience (“What was your favorite part?”)

• The feeling (“Did it feel different from what you expected?”)

• The story behind it (“What made you go to Italy in the first place?”)

These are very basic but these allow you to lean in just a bit into details you wouldn't get from your obviously follow ups.

Branches and Pattern Matching are their own topics on their own but even the basic ones could make all the difference.

Good conversationalists and anyone who looks for what's behind what's being said to them effectively stop… and pick a branch to follow.

And you do not need to be perfect at this.

You just need to pick one and listen then follow naturally in the conversation.

This helps people feel very seen and heard especially with the generations that are constantly colliding in the dating pool that we have today.

And it's not in a dramatic way either.

Like, “Oh you’re actually here with me listening.”
you can see it in body language the shift.

And yes, you can still share your own stories and not be a listening freak either.

But focus on connecting instead of interrupt & interjecting.

Good conversation has a rhythm and flow to it that you can feel and that's what attention is about.

Not a rehearsed performance.
and most certainly no need to force yourself to be the interesting person in the room.

Just your presence with the person because where great conversation lives.