I Have Everything but yet I suck so badly?

There is a quote that has helped me a lot in life

"God had given you everything you need to be successful."

Not someday.
Not “almost here.”
Right now in this moment.

The tools are here.
The wisdom is here.
and even the opportunities themselves feel close enough to touch.

But yet why does it feel like I am late & I suck so bad?

Like everyone else got some damn motion.

Money spread here.
Weird alt. skinny baddies around them.
Vacations & friends in their instagram post.

It's a bit weird because I know comparison is the thief of joy.
and by all means of course comparison is good to a certain extent.

but it's this just a low, constant feeling that I should be further along by now…
even though I can’t clearly explain what “further” even means outside of having more "motion".

Because at the same time

I feel wise. I feel hot. I feel amazing.

Like I understand things.
Like I can see patterns in people, in myself, in life.

And then,

I feel dumb. I repeat destructive patterns.

Like all that I've been through doesn’t get through my thick skull.
Like knowing isn’t the same as moving.
Like my anxiety is just inaction staring back at me.

It’s so confusing.

Because by all means I have everything I need to succeed but how is that I have everything I need but yet be ahead and behind at the same time?

How can I feel like I “got it”…
but still not feel like I am a little motionless chud?

And for the sake of transparency it's also my relationship about God.

There are moments where I feel like I hear Him.

and sometimes it could be in a dramatic way.
and sometimes I can hear a voice.
and other times it's a pull that feels different from everything else.

But then of course…

It fades.

And I’m basically sitting here overthinking everything
Suddenly the clarity I had turns into doubt.

Of course no matter what I write or how smart I may sound I get stuck in the loop at times of doubting and believing like anyone else.

and it's annoying of course because I would like to think I know and believe in God so much but yet he humbles me so much because of how human I am.

I don’t have a clean answer for any of this.

At the same time though and I'm starting to sit with two thoughts of perspective:

I do have everything I need for the season of life that I am in.

God is shaping something inside me.

Even in the confusion.
Even in the tension.
Even in the not knowing.

And maybe that’s the part that matters more than I realize.

ALTHOUGH it would be nice to have all the motion right now.
It would solve a lot of problems.

I do think it's more important that God is carving out things that yet I can't see fully that is really apart of his plan better than my plan.

and at least I can feel it happening.