Love without the “edit” button
When it comes to dating most people tend to go after a specific archetype of person. I'm going to specifically talk about the types of people that we read in books or see in the movies where the protagonist catches themselves saying "It feels so good but hurts so bad". The heartbreakers, the idiots, the irresponsible, the clumsy, the inconsiderate, the (insert whatever word), yes all of those people that our heart loves so deeply but we want to change so badly.
Now if you think this is about them and the hurt they've caused you, it's not. It's about you. This is about the perspective that you and Ilove them so much that we want to "change them" so they can stop doing the thing that hurts us so bad or whatever specific dumb thing that they do.
But don't through a pissy party and get defensive, I'm sure whatever they did to you completely uncalled for and fucked up. But again this isn't about them.
Don't feel bad about this either or beat yourself up like I have for years on end. It's a common, almost instinctive, impulse to try and reshape the people we love. We see a scar, a habit, a stubborn dumb habit and think: “If only you’d….” or "Well maybe..." or "Have you tried..." If we were painters, we’d be tempted to repaint the portrait a 100 times based on these thoughts alone. But people are not canvases that need a fresh coat of paint. They’re living, breathing, sometimes messy works of art that for all reasons in the world are loved and created fearfully & wonderfully just like you.
The “fix‑it” instinct
In someway we are all wired to fix things. In a relationship, that means “I’ll make you happier.” or "This will be different." We hear a story of hardship, a series of bad choices (questionable ones really), and our first reaction is to see a problem to solve. I myself am very wired to solve and in learning this about myself it was difficult to not want to do something to make a difference for the person I was sitting across.
Another aspect of this is the moment a detail doesn’t match the image we’ve built about a person in our head, let's say an vice or bad habit, an unshared fear, a crazy past, our brain goes into alarm mode. We start to plan, a list of “must‑changes” to make them feel better, to change them, to change ourselves so that they fit our vision of what could be instead of what is.
Love without the “edit” button
It's obvious that when we love people for who they truly are, the connection feels deeper. It's deeper in the sense of appreciating them because the “real” love you want to feel is grounded in authenticity. It doesn’t require a clean‑up crew or a therapist’s advice. It’s simply: “I see you, I accept you, and I choose to stay.”
Which writing that seems very simple but very hard to execute. It takes real life reps not only with other people but within yourself right? You can only give as much love as you give yourself.
Three questions to ponder that has helped me:
- How can I love this person without changing them?
Really listen to what comes to mind. Don't show misappropriated love or be there for how you think would benefit them. Think of it like a recipe: the ingredients (their quirks, their flaws) are essential. You can’t just toss them out the things that make them who they are and hope the dish (the person) stays delicious. - What do I really like about this person?
Take the emotion out of it and really write down the traits that drew you in. Is it their stubbornness? Their laugh? Their dark humor? Acknowledging the good can make you more present but that doesn't mean ignore the bad either. If they're fucked up then please know that they are fucked up but I say this because you don't want to find yourself down the line pleading to your friends saying things like "but when it's good it's like really good" cause then you're cooked. - What is it about this person that makes you hesitant?
Be honest. Maybe it’s the way they keep secrets or the way they tweak out about small inconveniences. Naming the hesitation lets you decide if it’s a deal‑breaker or a challenge you’re willing to accept. I wrote this because as we try to stop trying to fix them or the relationship we can try to sit with "Is this right for me" rather than the project that was worth taking on...
By doing all of this you start realizing that love isn’t a renovation project that you see on the DIY channel and not every situationship or relationship is a fixer upper. It’s a mirror. I want to be clear and this goes for myself as well, the way you try to fix someone often says more about what you still can’t accept in yourself. It's hard to accept really.
Also what I wrote here doesn’t mean tolerating chaos or mistaking chemistry for compatibility. This doesn't mean get dragged through the mud here. It means being honest enough to see what is instead of clinging to what could be.
I think of countless of people when I write this and hopefully this jogs your mind about those individuals who make you feel something but aren't where we want them to be. Give them a ring or do something nice for them and sprinkle that care free love that you have on them.